he're fer da musik

If George Strait starts dancing...

If George Strait Starts Dancing

Every time a country awards show comes on my TV
I'm forced to put up with some choreography
I really like She*Daisy and Sara Evans is mighty fine
But I prefer my country music without all that bump and grind

So Shania put some clothes on
Stop prancin' all around
And Mark Miller I get dizzy watching you spin with Sawyer Brown
Even Jo Dee Messina's shaking her hips and all of her red
But if George Strait starts dancing somebody shoot me in the head

Well you never saw Hank Jr. do the electric bugaloo
And I can't see Merle Haggard moonwalking in his boots
Now Faith Hill is a diva and she can shake her bootyful thing
But I prefer my country singers to just hold real still and sing

So Kenny Chesney keep your hat on
Quit trying to get down
You don't see Brad Paisley sugar footin like James Brown
(Hey...I want to get in too)
Even the Dixie Chicks got their groove on and Earl's dead
But if George Strait starts dancing somebody shoot me in the head

Last night I had a bad dream that country was going pop
I seen Alan Jackson break dancing while McGraw did the robot
So Trace Adkins put one glove on if you're gonna dance like that
You move like Michael Jackson but you wear a cowboy hat
(Hee Hee)
Now I don't much agree with what Lee Ann Womack said
So if George Strait Starts dancin somebody shoot me in the head
If George Strait Starts dancin somebody shoot me in the head


Riding with Inmate Jerome -(parody of David Baul's (sp? oh gosh.. sorry.. ) "Riding with Private Malone")

I was just out of the rehab rolling through the neighborhood
When I came across this homeboy
Said he'd fix me up real good
He led me down an alley
And right through a chain link fence
I had a hundred dollars I could spend

It was parked out in the driveway at a house of ill-repute
And in the back seat hung a double breasted lime green suit
What that homeboy showed me nearly caused a heart attack
For what he called a hooptie was a sky blue Cadillac
And I felt a little nervous as I drove out of the hood
But I loved that furry steering wheel
And that dashboard made of wood
I opened up the mini bar and in there I found a note
The stationery said County Jail and this is what he wrote

He said my (missaint???) is inmate Leroy Jerome
And if youse readin this judge says I isn't coming home
Though I am incarcerated I'll make a deal with you
If you can keep my gals in line this car belongs to you
Now ride low
And drive slow
And make her yours own
You'll always be riding with Inmate Jerome

The grill on the radiator was gold and shiny bright
And I'd tell you those old curb feelers were handy late at night
I get the feeling sometimes if I turn real quick I'd see
A gold-toothed cat daddy in the seat right next to me

One night I was hoppin and when I heard the breaking glass
And I can still remember the sounds of bullets whizzin' past
Someone said they saw a man in a fur coat and fur hat
Push me out of the motorcar and take his Caddy back

It was a young man named inmate Leroy Jerome
He's out of the joint the parole board sent him home
Yes he was incarcerated...but he cut a deal or two
Now he's got a brand new pinky ring and new Bruno Malli shoes
Hey I think I caught a whiff of Michael Jordan's splash cologne
I sho nuff of riding with inmate Jerome


How Do You Milk a Cow? -parody of Toby Keith's "How Do You Like Me Now?"

Yeah I was always the lazy one,
A Southern Californian,
But I've got some kinfolk on the Mason-Dixon line.
So this summer just for fun
Hopped in my DeLorean
And headed for my uncle's farm for a short time.

I thought that I would be huntin' and fishin'.
I misunderstood him somehow.
So far there's nothin' but chores here to mention.
I didn't mind feedin the sows.

But HOW DO YOU MILK A COW?
How do you milk a cow?
I wasn't in FFA.
This cow must think i'm crazy
Up under it this way.
I'm sittin' here a pullin', but there ain't nothin' comin' out.
Oh E I E I O…
How do you milk a cow?

Yeah I love it here in Tennesse,
But these farmers all make fun of me.
Can't haul much hay in a tiny sports car.
So I got myself a 4 wheel drive,
Learned to spotlight deer at night,
And I've got shearin' sheep right down to an art.

One thing's for sure,
I hate shovelin' manure,
It gets all over my overalls.
Them horses need shoein'
I hear Bessie mooin'.
So I thought maybe I'd ask you all.

HOW DO YOU MILK A COW?
How do you milk a cow?
I think it's safe to say
A man could get arrested for this in LA
This heifer must be empty 'cause she ain't puttin out.
Oh E I E I O,
Tell me how do you milk a cow.

(Spoken)
This song is absolutely an "udder" disaster.
I hope I don't get mad cow diease.

How do you milk a cow?
I no longer care.
I'm gettin sick and tired of smellin' dairy air.
I'm headin' back to Cali
And I'm turnin' in my plow.
Oh E I E I O.
How do you milk a cow?


Please Take the Girl -parody of Tim McGraw's "Don't Take the Girl

Arnie's Daddy said he'd take him fishin',
If he'd just dig the bait.
He said: "Get lost, Dad, I'm watchin' mud wrestling,
"Go jump in the lake.
"Why don't you take that neighbour girl?
"The one that favours our dog."
His dad said: "Son, she might sink the boat,
"She weighs more than our hog."
And Arnie said:

"She's got a tackle box that you'd kill for,
"A ZebCo rod and reel.
"She won the Junior Bass Masters Tourney,
"And I just ate oatmeal,
"And I'm afraid I might hurl.
"Daddy, please, please take the girl."

Same limey boy, same large girl,
Eleven years with no date.
They finally married when they both realised,
They'd get a big tax break.
One night at the Laundrymat,
Washin' underwear.
A stranger pulled a water-gun;
Arnie soiled another pair, (Whoops.)
And whimpered:

Ain't got no money, in my wallet.
She's got the credit cards.
But they're all run up over the limit,
Won't get you very far.
And though her hair's up in curls, and she looks like Milton Burle,
She ain't wearin' fake pearls,
Mister please, please, please take the girl.

Well she ain't bad when she gets a couple of coats of that cold
cream on her, and a sack over her head.

A toothless Arnie, a whale of a woman,
Forty years down the tune.
One day they found him with a shotgun,
Buck-naked on the roof.
Doctor's said: "He's lost his mind,
"We'll have to take him away." (No o o o!)
As they strapped that straight jacket on him,
Someone heard him say -- he babled out loud:

If you'd lived with her, long as I have,
You'd be slap crazy too.
She's the one that's really a psycho,
More than a few screws loose.
She's nutty as a squirrel;
Doctor, please, please take the girl.

Get her outta here!

Arnie's Daddy said he'd take him fishin',
If he'd just dig the bait.
Is it Tim McGraw or John Anderson,
I'm trying to imitate?

I'm sorry Tim!


270 Somethin' -parody of Mark Wills' "19 Somethin' "

Wooo
(spoken)
You know a man does have to eat him somethin'

I love candy bars...eat them all the time
My combo meal's are super-sized
And I crave the stuff they put inside those dang ding dongs
mmmm

My cholesterol is off the chart
I keep a blood pressure cuff on my left arm
Doctor says that my poor heart won't last too long
My nickname in school was double wide
Cause my momma fried...

Now I weigh 270 somethin'
Always huffin and puffin
Lay around the house all day
No wonder I can't lose no weight
See that pizza on the TV
Oh man don't it look cheesy
You know they deliver here for nothin'
That's why I weigh 270 somethin'

My insurance said that they'd co-pay
I made the same appointment Carnie Wilson made
Plastic surgeon said he had a way to get those love handles off
He stapled and sucked stuff through a tube
I lost a hundred pounds in one afternoon
When I came to in the recovery room
Wuddn't much left of me
When he removed the bandages from my thighs
I couldn't believe my eyes

Now I weigh 180 somethin'
Didn't have to do much of nothin'
I'm lookin' like Jean Claude Van Damme
To fit in a pair Mark Wills' pants
Now everyone who sees me
Can't believe that I'm so skinny
My body fat is nearly nothin'
Ha ha
Now that I weigh 180 somethin'

WOOO

Ha Ha

Now I date a model with a GED
But do you think she'd be with me
I wonder (I wonder)
If I (If I)

Still weighed...270 somethin'
Stuffin down blueberry muffins
Onion rings and cans of SPAM
That's how I got so fat
Now everyone who sees me
Can't believe that I'm so skinny
I used to break a sweat just doin' nothin'
Back when I weighed 270 somethin'

Now I weigh 180 somethin'

(spoken)
Ah...well it's probably like more like around 225-26
None of y'all's business how much I weigh
Huh huh...

posted by Nikki Lorelei @ 5:30 PM 0 comments

NASCAR Races

NASCAR Races Cledus T. Judd (parody of Dixie Chick's Wide Open Spaces)

Some folk don’t know what I’m talking about
If you ain’t into racing, you kind of left out
Just pick a driver and car of your own
Then paint the number real big on your truck and motor home

Jeff Gordon will lead everybody else follers
It’s Nemechek’s fault we’re under a yeller
We like the shape, of the tracks out west
But ask any redneck race fan, they’ll say Daytona’s best

We love our NASCAR races
Only sissies use their brakes
It’s them there Winston cup chases
Less points for 2nd place

Dale Earnhardt led 400 miles
Rusty Wallace wound up winning on four new tires (YEAH!!!)
The Labonte’s wudn’t even on the lead lap with the rest
It ain’t a real good race if their ain’t a real bad wreck

We love our NASCAR races
The deafening sounds the motors make
We sneak in beer by the cases
Monday morning big headache
Monday morning big headache

As Mark Martin drives away
His crew forgets to check the oil
All out of Valvoline, well he blew a coil
You know it dudn’t seem like a that many laps ago
When swervin’ Earvin slid in
Took out half of pit row

We love our NASCAR races
A restrictor plate’s an awful thing.
When it comes to wide open chases
Richard Petty was the King
Couldn’t nobody beat the king
Richard Petty’s still the king

posted by Nikki Lorelei @ 9:31 AM 1 comments

Can you help me?

Bent Matchbox 20

If I fall along the way
pick me up and dust me off.
and if I get too tired to make it
be my breath so I can walk

If I need some other love
give me more than I can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded
wait around I'll smile again

shouldn't be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again

can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
get put back together
you're breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep
could you paint me better off
could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot

I started out clean but I'm jaded
just phoning it in
just breaking the skin

start bending me
It's never enough
I feel all your pieces
start bending me
Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in

shouldn't be so complicated
just touch me and then
just touch me again

posted by Nikki Lorelei @ 1:36 PM 0 comments

Come on, follow me..

Follow me -Uncle Kracker

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why
You can't turn around and say goodbye
All you know is when I'm with you, I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singin

Follow me everthing is allright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

I'm not worried bout the ring you wear
Cause as long as I know one knows than nobody can care
You're feelin guilty and I'm well aware
But you dont look ashamed and baby I don't care
I'm singin

Follow me everthing is allright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Won't give you money
I can't give you the sky
Your better off if you don't ask why
I'm not the reason that you go astray
And we'll be alright if you don't ask me stay

Follow me everthing is allright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why
You can't turn around and say goodbye
All you know is when I'm with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singin

Follow me everthing is allright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

I'm singing
Follow me everthing is allright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

I'm singin
Follow me everthing is allright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

posted by Nikki Lorelei @ 8:57 AM 0 comments

Cledus the Karaoke King

Skoal: The Grundy County Spitting Incident (parody of "Sold: The Grundy County Auction" by John Michael Montgomery)

(spoken) Sadie, pull this car over. Let me get me a can of Skoal.

Well, we went down to the Grundy County auction
The sign said no tobaccer where we sat
My wife told me that I should spit with caution
Or else we'll all wind up in a big ol' spat

And I said hush your mouth nobody's gonna mind
If I pack my lip and ignore the sign
'Cause a little dip of Skoal never hurt no one at all
Then, I've never seen anyone get so mad
From a little bit of spit on his John Deere hat
But I spit on him once, spit on him twice
Spit Skoal on the feller in the second row
Well he turned around and nearly broke my nose
I got a big fat lip, two black eyes
Shoulda just went and dipped outside

Well, it musta been about eight or nine more minutes
Until I pulled that can of Skoal back out
And I knew when I put my fingers in it
That I'd just spit it out amongst the crowd
...Look out!

And you know I really don't care if anybody minds
A pinch 'tween your cheek and gum is not a crime
So I'll do my spittin' and to heck with the rest of y'all
Well I've never saw people gettin' so dang mad
Worst County auction they've ever had
'Cause I spit on 'em once, spit on 'em twice
Spit Skoal on the people, well I must confess
I even got a little on a lady's white dress
But in the end they got me back you see
They all took a dip and spit on me

Well, they pinned me down on the auction block
And took my Skoal away
And the town still hates to talk about
The mess that was made that day

When I said hush your mouth, nobody's gonna mind
If I pack my lip and ignore the sign
'Cause a little dip of Skoal never hurt no one at all
Well, I've never saw people gettin' so derned mad
The worst County auction they've ever had
'Cause I spit on 'em once, spit on 'em twice
Spit Skoal on the people, well I must confess
I even got a little on a lady's white dress
Shoulda swallowed my dip, swallowed my pride
Shoulda just went and spit outsiiiiiiide.

Whew!

Boy, that was horrible!

If Shania was Mine (parody of "Any Man of Mine" by Shania Twain

(spoken) This is what Cledus T. wants...

If Shania was mine
Wouldn't be proud of me
Couldn't hardly blame her
Cuz I'm so derned ugly
But on our first date
We could have a good time
If I got her on the moonshine

If Shania was mine
Say it fit just right
Though my polyester suit was just a little too tight
And there's no way
I'd have a bad hair day
Cuz I'd buy a new toupee'

Oh, I'd love to seduce her
But she married her producer
Now all I do is pray, pray, pray!
She'll get a deevorce someday

If Shania was mine
I'd probably lose my mind
If she only squeezed me, teased me
Pleased me one good time
And if she only knew
All the things I'd do
I'd be the lawn mowin, crop growin
Tater peelin, house cleanin kind
If Shania was mine

Ha huh

If Shania was mine
She'd have to agree
Can't no one cook road kill better than me
Add a dozen mountain oysters and some old fatback
She'd say "Mmm, I like it like that" cha...
Now all I do is wonder
Whose bed have her boots been under
I wish she'd hadda been mine
Now I whine, whine!
That girl is so doggone fine

If Shania was mine
I think I'd go slap blind
Starin' at her yummy little tummy
And her booty shakin' round behind
And if she only knew
All the things I'd do
I'd be the lawn mowin' crop growin'
Tater peelin' house cleanin' kind
If Shania, if Shania, if Shania,
If Shania, if Shania (ACK HACK)

Now was that Mutt Lange or Deewight Yokel

When she shimmies and shakes
It's more than I can take
Oh, what she does to me in them videos
Wife's gonna leave me if I don't explain
What I see in Shania Twain
I'd love to see her in a magazine
Centerfold if you know what I mean
Oh me-a oh my-a
I wish that Shania
Would buy me a house in South Carolina
Two, four, six, eight, nine
Oh I wish that Shania was mine!
he he he huh huh
Want to be a gal of mine...

Gone Funky (parody of "Gone Country" by Alan Jackson)

She's been playin' them low life honky tonks for thirty years in Texas.
She's sick and tired of all them Reba songs they keep requestin'.
She's about to lose her voice, her hair's fallin' out and ain't nobody clappin'.
So she think's she'll shape her head, buy a boom box and just turn to rappin'.
She can't keep up, with them country healthers,
Gonna learn to shake her boobies, just like Salt N' Peppa.

She done gone funky, a brand new tattoo.
She done gone funky, a big nose ring too.
She done gone funky, her favouite rap song's "Shoop".
She done gone funky,
Hah, you go girl!

Well, he never was good at suckin' up to all them country disc jockeys.
It seemed like dag-blammed week, then some new hat act bumped him off the Opry.
He had to sell his bus, his house, his cows: ain't had a hit since the sixties.
Well he's fed with hearin' about: Travis, Garth, Tim McGraw, Collin Raye, Billy Ray Cyrus, John Michael Montgomery, and Joe Diffie.
He saw Johnny Cash on MTV,
Bought a new new toupee, said: "That's the place for me."

He done gone funky, too ahead for his boots.
He done gone funky, burned his cowboy boots.
He done gone funky, wearin' platform shoes.
He done gone funky!
Oh, Suki.

Oh well, he moved up to Nashville, had big dreams of being a songwriter.
Ha ha, 'bout the only things he's written down lately are some orders down at Brown's diner.
If everybody's gone country, like Ali Jackson says,
Gonna move to Los Angeles and buy him a drum machine.

He done gone funky, hangin' out with old Sloop.
Doggy Dog, sippin' on gin and juice
He done gone funky, do wets for two live crew.
He done gone funky.

I feel good.
He done gone funky.
He done gone funky.
He done gone funky.
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, funky.
He done gone funky.
She done gone funky.

Man of Constant Borrow (parody of "Man of Constant Sorrow" by The Soggy Bottom Boys)

(spoken)Uh yessir do you have Man of Constant Borrow by Cledus T. Judd
No sir somebody's already borrowed it

Constantly borrows everything

I'm the man of constant borrow
There's nothing I can call my own
Some may try to say it's all stolen
I prefer permanently loaned
He's the biggest mooch we ever known

SOLO

My grass mowin
Bot I've got no mower
My neighbor won't let me use his
I can't really say is though I blame him
Kept it three years last time I did

He thought for sure that it was his

I need a ride down to the pawn shop
Lend me the keys to your Corvette
What do you mean you don't trust me
I never not brought it back yet

I don't think I could take that bet
You know dang well (he's gone away)

Well you may have heard of me
Cledus T J-U-double-D
Better known as the reining King of country parody
Coming with a new style
High profile
When I'm on the mike well you know I'll get hog wild
Comedian
Extrodinaire
A fat Eminem with the bleach blonde hair

I know that you think
I've got your chainsaw
You can't find it anywhere
I can't cut no wood
Since way fore winter
I gave it back to you last fair

Check his garage it's probably there

I sure could use a hundred dollars
I'll gladly pay you back Tuesday
I know that's what I said the last time
You can't believe a word I say

He has no plans to (really???) pay

New Car (parody of "Big Star" by Kenny Chesney)

(recording)
Track 6
"New Car"
Parody of Kenny Chesney's big hit "Big Star"
Enjoy

(spoken)
Come on you no good worthless piece of foreign...
(BEEP)
Wait till I get me a royalty check
I'm gonna buy me an American made car
Piece of junk

People always shout obscenities
When I stall in their lane
They're all convinced when they see me driving this heap that I'm insane
But seat belted in
I push the gas down fearlessly
Breaks stop working then
I watch the engine overheat

I need a new car
I can't ever get far
This one breaks down on me all the time
It's got four bald tires
And it always backfires
And I'm sick of that check engine light
I need a new car

I replaced all the cables and hoses
Had grease all over my face
For a couple weekends I had parts thrown all over the place
I put it back together fast
But now it's even worse
Now my friends just laugh
Cause it only goes in reverse

I need a new car
Getting to work's hard
When you have to drive backwards all the time
I'd find a junkyard and I'd sell it for parts
But I know they won't give me a dime
I need a new car

I won't repair anymore
Now the dang transmission's about to fall out
The only thought that's on my brain is the new car
I could be driving now

Rumor is they're having a sale over at the push pull or drag car lot
If I can get this towed down there I swear I'll take anything they've got
So with a credit line of $20,000 plus
No interest or money down and no more taking the bus

I got a new car
Looking like a big star
I don't care if the price is too high
It's got a VCR cruise control and Onstar
So I know where I'm at all the time
I got a new car

He got a new car

(recording)
I hope you enjoyed your refreshing six pack of Judd
Take a six pack of Judd to your next party and bandy it with all your friends
And remember listen responsibly
Thank you

Leave you Laughin (a Cledus original)

Lately I've been thinking about this crazy life I live
All the things that I've been given
And just what I have to give
Oh I may not be a rich man in a lot of people's eyes
But I found the treasure I can share
Inside this heart of mine

Oh I'd like to be remembered by the smiles on your face
And if troubles come to find you you can always look my way
I will be right there beside you as you travel down life's road
I hope I leave you laughing when the curtains close

I'd like to give you silver around your clouds of gray
Some gold that you can cling to and the memories we made
And if by chance tomorrow Heaven's angels call
And I go on before you to the greatest show of all

Oh I'd like to be remembered by the smiles on your face
And if troubles come to find you you can always look my way
I will be right there beside you as you travel down life's road
I hope I leave you laughing when the curtains close

A merry heart would make good medicine the Bible tells us so
That's what I try to bring to you at each and every show

Oh I'd like to be remembered by the smiles on your face
And if troubles come to find you you can always look my way
I will be right there beside you as you travel down life's road
I hope I leave you laughing when the curtains close

I'd sure like to leave here laughing when the curtains close

posted by Nikki Lorelei @ 11:48 AM 0 comments

falling..

falling for the first time -barenaked ladies

i'm so cool, too bad i'm a loser
i'm so smart, too bad i can't get anything figured out
i'm so brave, too bad i'm a baby
i'm so fly, that's probably why it
feels just like i'm falling for the first time

i'm so green, it's really amazing
i'm so clean, too bad i can't get all the dirt off of me
i'm so sane, it's driving me crazy
it's so strange, i can't believe it
feels just like i'm falling for the first time

anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has it cost
anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
what if i lost my direction? what if i lost sense of time?
what if i nursed this infection? maybe that worst is behind
it feels just like i'm falling for the first time
it feels just like i'm falling for the first time

i'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing
i'm so still, i just can't keep my fingers out of anything
i'm so thrilled to finally be failing
i'm so drone, turn me over cause it
feels just like i'm falling for the first time

anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost
maybe i lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?
anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
what if i lost my direction? what if i lost sense of time?
what if i nursed this infection? maybe the worst is behind

posted by Nikki Lorelei @ 2:27 PM 0 comments

*wants to rip hair out* AHHHHH!!!

complicated -carolyn dawn johnson

i'm so scared that the way i feel
is written all over my face
when you walk into the room
i wanna fina a hiding place
we used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do
but now, a smile and a touch of your hand
just makes me come unglued
such a contridiction, do i lie or tell the truth
is it fact or fiction
oh the way i feel for you

so complicated, im so fusrated
i wanna hold you close, i wanna push you away
i wanna make you go, i wanna make you stay
should i say it
should i tell you how i feel
oh, i want you to know
but then again i dont
its so complicated

oh, just when i think im under control
i think i got a grip
another friend tells me that, im always on your lips
they say im more than just a friend, they say i must be blind
well, i admit that i've seen you watch me
from the corner of your eye
oh, its so confusing
i wish you'd just confess
but think of what i'd be losin'
if you answer isn't yes

so complicated, im so fusrated
i wanna hold you close, i wanna push you away
i wanna make you go, i wanna make you stay
should i say it
should i tell you how i feel
oh, i want you to know
but then again i dont
its so complicated

oh, i hate it
cuz i've waited
so long for someone like you
oh, what do i do
oh should i say it
should i tell you how i feel
i want you to know
but then again i don't
it's so complicated
it's so complicated
it's so complicated
ohh..

posted by Nikki Lorelei @ 3:11 PM 0 comments