Cledus the Karaoke King
yup. more cledus songs fer ya'lls..
Skoal: The Grundy County Spitting Incident (parody of "Sold: The Grundy County Auction" by John Michael Montgomery)
(spoken) Sadie, pull this car over. Let me get me a can of Skoal.
Well, we went down to the Grundy County auction
The sign said no tobaccer where we sat
My wife told me that I should spit with caution
Or else we'll all wind up in a big ol' spat
And I said hush your mouth nobody's gonna mind
If I pack my lip and ignore the sign
'Cause a little dip of Skoal never hurt no one at all
Then, I've never seen anyone get so mad
From a little bit of spit on his John Deere hat
But I spit on him once, spit on him twice
Spit Skoal on the feller in the second row
Well he turned around and nearly broke my nose
I got a big fat lip, two black eyes
Shoulda just went and dipped outside
Well, it musta been about eight or nine more minutes
Until I pulled that can of Skoal back out
And I knew when I put my fingers in it
That I'd just spit it out amongst the crowd
...Look out!
And you know I really don't care if anybody minds
A pinch 'tween your cheek and gum is not a crime
So I'll do my spittin' and to heck with the rest of y'all
Well I've never saw people gettin' so dang mad
Worst County auction they've ever had
'Cause I spit on 'em once, spit on 'em twice
Spit Skoal on the people, well I must confess
I even got a little on a lady's white dress
But in the end they got me back you see
They all took a dip and spit on me
Well, they pinned me down on the auction block
And took my Skoal away
And the town still hates to talk about
The mess that was made that day
When I said hush your mouth, nobody's gonna mind
If I pack my lip and ignore the sign
'Cause a little dip of Skoal never hurt no one at all
Well, I've never saw people gettin' so derned mad
The worst County auction they've ever had
'Cause I spit on 'em once, spit on 'em twice
Spit Skoal on the people, well I must confess
I even got a little on a lady's white dress
Shoulda swallowed my dip, swallowed my pride
Shoulda just went and spit outsiiiiiiide.
Whew!
Boy, that was horrible!
If Shania was Mine (parody of "Any Man of Mine" by Shania Twain
(spoken) This is what Cledus T. wants...
If Shania was mine
Wouldn't be proud of me
Couldn't hardly blame her
Cuz I'm so derned ugly
But on our first date
We could have a good time
If I got her on the moonshine
If Shania was mine
Say it fit just right
Though my polyester suit was just a little too tight
And there's no way
I'd have a bad hair day
Cuz I'd buy a new toupee'
Oh, I'd love to seduce her
But she married her producer
Now all I do is pray, pray, pray!
She'll get a deevorce someday
If Shania was mine
I'd probably lose my mind
If she only squeezed me, teased me
Pleased me one good time
And if she only knew
All the things I'd do
I'd be the lawn mowin, crop growin
Tater peelin, house cleanin kind
If Shania was mine
Ha huh
If Shania was mine
She'd have to agree
Can't no one cook road kill better than me
Add a dozen mountain oysters and some old fatback
She'd say "Mmm, I like it like that" cha...
Now all I do is wonder
Whose bed have her boots been under
I wish she'd hadda been mine
Now I whine, whine!
That girl is so doggone fine
If Shania was mine
I think I'd go slap blind
Starin' at her yummy little tummy
And her booty shakin' round behind
And if she only knew
All the things I'd do
I'd be the lawn mowin' crop growin'
Tater peelin' house cleanin' kind
If Shania, if Shania, if Shania,
If Shania, if Shania (ACK HACK)
Now was that Mutt Lange or Deewight Yokel
When she shimmies and shakes
It's more than I can take
Oh, what she does to me in them videos
Wife's gonna leave me if I don't explain
What I see in Shania Twain
I'd love to see her in a magazine
Centerfold if you know what I mean
Oh me-a oh my-a
I wish that Shania
Would buy me a house in South Carolina
Two, four, six, eight, nine
Oh I wish that Shania was mine!
he he he huh huh
Want to be a gal of mine...
nope, there's still more.. (it's a "T Judd" day)..
Gone Funky (parody of "Gone Country" by Alan Jackson)
She's been playin' them low life honky tonks for thirty years in Texas.
She's sick and tired of all them Reba songs they keep requestin'.
She's about to lose her voice, her hair's fallin' out and ain't nobody clappin'.
So she think's she'll shape her head, buy a boom box and just turn to rappin'.
She can't keep up, with them country healthers,
Gonna learn to shake her boobies, just like Salt N' Peppa.
She done gone funky, a brand new tattoo.
She done gone funky, a big nose ring too.
She done gone funky, her favouite rap song's "Shoop".
She done gone funky,
Hah, you go girl!
Well, he never was good at suckin' up to all them country disc jockeys.
It seemed like dag-blammed week, then some new hat act bumped him off the Opry.
He had to sell his bus, his house, his cows: ain't had a hit since the sixties.
Well he's fed with hearin' about: Travis, Garth, Tim McGraw, Collin Raye, Billy Ray Cyrus, John Michael Montgomery, and Joe Diffie.
He saw Johnny Cash on MTV,
Bought a new new toupee, said: "That's the place for me."
He done gone funky, too ahead for his boots.
He done gone funky, burned his cowboy boots.
He done gone funky, wearin' platform shoes.
He done gone funky!
Oh, Suki.
Oh well, he moved up to Nashville, had big dreams of being a songwriter.
Ha ha, 'bout the only things he's written down lately are some orders down at Brown's diner.
If everybody's gone country, like Ali Jackson says,
Gonna move to Los Angeles and buy him a drum machine.
He done gone funky, hangin' out with old Sloop.
Doggy Dog, sippin' on gin and juice
He done gone funky, do wets for two live crew.
He done gone funky.
I feel good.
He done gone funky.
He done gone funky.
He done gone funky.
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, funky.
He done gone funky.
She done gone funky.
Man of Constant Borrow (parody of "Man of Constant Sorrow" by The Soggy Bottom Boys)
(spoken)Uh yessir do you have Man of Constant Borrow by Cledus T. Judd
No sir somebody's already borrowed it
Constantly borrows everything
I'm the man of constant borrow
There's nothing I can call my own
Some may try to say it's all stolen
I prefer permanently loaned
He's the biggest mooch we ever known
SOLO
My grass mowin
Bot I've got no mower
My neighbor won't let me use his
I can't really say is though I blame him
Kept it three years last time I did
He thought for sure that it was his
I need a ride down to the pawn shop
Lend me the keys to your Corvette
What do you mean you don't trust me
I never not brought it back yet
I don't think I could take that bet
You know dang well (he's gone away)
Well you may have heard of me
Cledus T J-U-double-D
Better known as the reining King of country parody
Coming with a new style
High profile
When I'm on the mike well you know I'll get hog wild
Comedian
Extrodinaire
A fat Eminem with the bleach blonde hair
I know that you think
I've got your chainsaw
You can't find it anywhere
I can't cut no wood
Since way fore winter
I gave it back to you last fair
Check his garage it's probably there
I sure could use a hundred dollars
I'll gladly pay you back Tuesday
I know that's what I said the last time
You can't believe a word I say
He has no plans to (really???) pay
New Car (parody of "Big Star" by Kenny Chesney)
(recording)
Track 6
"New Car"
Parody of Kenny Chesney's big hit "Big Star"
Enjoy
(spoken)
Come on you no good worthless piece of foreign...
(BEEP)
Wait till I get me a royalty check
I'm gonna buy me an American made car
Piece of junk
People always shout obscenities
When I stall in their lane
They're all convinced when they see me driving this heap that I'm insane
But seat belted in
I push the gas down fearlessly
Breaks stop working then
I watch the engine overheat
I need a new car
I can't ever get far
This one breaks down on me all the time
It's got four bald tires
And it always backfires
And I'm sick of that check engine light
I need a new car
I replaced all the cables and hoses
Had grease all over my face
For a couple weekends I had parts thrown all over the place
I put it back together fast
But now it's even worse
Now my friends just laugh
Cause it only goes in reverse
I need a new car
Getting to work's hard
When you have to drive backwards all the time
I'd find a junkyard and I'd sell it for parts
But I know they won't give me a dime
I need a new car
I won't repair anymore
Now the dang transmission's about to fall out
The only thought that's on my brain is the new car
I could be driving now
Rumor is they're having a sale over at the push pull or drag car lot
If I can get this towed down there I swear I'll take anything they've got
So with a credit line of $20,000 plus
No interest or money down and no more taking the bus
I got a new car
Looking like a big star
I don't care if the price is too high
It's got a VCR cruise control and Onstar
So I know where I'm at all the time
I got a new car
He got a new car
(recording)
I hope you enjoyed your refreshing six pack of Judd
Take a six pack of Judd to your next party and bandy it with all your friends
And remember listen responsibly
Thank you
one more...
Leave you Laughin (a Cledus original)
Lately I've been thinking about this crazy life I live
All the things that I've been given
And just what I have to give
Oh I may not be a rich man in a lot of people's eyes
But I found the treasure I can share
Inside this heart of mine
Oh I'd like to be remembered by the smiles on your face
And if troubles come to find you you can always look my way
I will be right there beside you as you travel down life's road
I hope I leave you laughing when the curtains close
I'd like to give you silver around your clouds of gray
Some gold that you can cling to and the memories we made
And if by chance tomorrow Heaven's angels call
And I go on before you to the greatest show of all
Oh I'd like to be remembered by the smiles on your face
And if troubles come to find you you can always look my way
I will be right there beside you as you travel down life's road
I hope I leave you laughing when the curtains close
A merry heart would make good medicine the Bible tells us so
That's what I try to bring to you at each and every show
Oh I'd like to be remembered by the smiles on your face
And if troubles come to find you you can always look my way
I will be right there beside you as you travel down life's road
I hope I leave you laughing when the curtains close
I'd sure like to leave here laughing when the curtains close
there's your dose of cledus fer the day.. :)
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