It's Christmas time..
Grandpa got run over by a John Deer -Cledus
Grandpa got runned over by a John Deere
Walking home from the Moose Lodge Christmas Eve.
Now you can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But after suing John Deere, I believe...
He'd been a-guzzlin' old Jack Daniels
And smokin' that wacky weed-
He mixed it with his medication
And run off with some bleach-blonde named Bernice.
When we found him Christmas mornin'
We thought he had a heart attack.
But he had tar prints on his forehead
And incriminatin' hickies on his neck.
(ON HIS WHAT???)
Grandpa got runned over by a John Deere
Walking home from the Moose Lodge Christmas Eve.
Now you can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But after suing John Deere, I believe...
But we're all ashamed of Grandpa.
He took Grandma's death too well.
Started watchin' porno movies
And engaging in phone sex with Cousin Belle.
It's a better Christmas without Grandpa
Last year in church, he mooned the choir.
At first, we thought it was Alzheimer's,
But looking back, we realized he was wired.
Grandpa got runned over by a John Deere
Walking home from the Moose Lodge Christmas Eve.
Now you can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But after suing John Deere, I believe...
Yeah, I filed myself a lawsuit
And they awarded me two mil.
You know Grandpa didn't leave me nuthin',
But thanks to that old John Deere, he got killed.
Funny, all my friends and neigh-bras
Turned up on the grand jury,
(laughs) I bribed 'em like Johnny Cochran
Did when they set O.J. Simpson free.
GUIL-TY!!!
Grandpa got runned over by a John Deere
Walking home from the Moose Lodge Christmas Eve.
Now you can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But after suing John Deere, I believe...
Grandpa got runned over by a John Deere
Walking home from the Moose Lodge Christmas Eve.
Now you can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But after suing John Deere, I believe...
Christ-mas -Cledus
I don't want another fruitcake,
I don't need another ugly tie...NO!
Heard they had a sale on go karts
Down at Wal Mart
Ho ho a good buy.
Got no money in my pocket.
Can't believe it's Christmastime.
It's the crowds that bug me
Stuck in traffic like this.
It's kids causing a commotion.
It's shop at your own risk.
It's that Tickle Me Elmo,
It's (dang) un-find-able
Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!
Un-shopp-able!
Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!
It can make a feller uptight.
I must have been to fifteen stores or more.
All I wanted was a Lite Brite
But they sold out last night...of course.
Time I buy my kids a swing set,
I'd be broke forevermore...
Tis the season of givin'.
Tis that time of year.
Twas the night before Christmas,
Twas a pain in the rear.
It's the credit card payment,
Its (ahhh) un-payable...
Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!
Return-able.
Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!
You'll see Santa hop the rooftops
Rudolph's nose will be glowin' so bright.
There's a whole lot of parents losin' sleep
Nuthin' silent about this night...
Oh, Christmas is pure promotion
Let us not forget why...
We're all out shoppin'.
We're all out buyin'.
It's the off-key caroling.
Grandma's mistletoe kiss.
It's that one string of light bulbs
You can never get lit.
It's that gallon of egg nog,
It's so (uhhh) undrinkable.
Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!
Decorate-able.
Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!
It's the things you buy me baby.
It's the things I buy you darlin'...yeah.
It's the crowds that bug me
Stuck in traffic like this.
It's kids causing a commotion.
It's shop at your own risk.
Its that Faith Hill CD.
They're all sold out-able.
Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!
Beautiful.
Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!
It's the things you buy me baby.
It's the things I buy you darlin'...yeah.
Merry Christmas from the whole Fam Damily -Cledus
Twas the fight before Christmas
When all through the house
No furniture left standing, no TV or couch
Our aquarium, heck they even knocked over my Chia Pet
MeMaw was flung 'cross the room by her hair
By her sister Ethel who never fought fair
LET'S GET READY TO TUMBLE!!!!!!!
The children all wrestled and jumped off the beds
Dropping elbows and knees on each other's heads
And MaMaw wth her frying pan and Pa with his bat
Cleared half the room in ten seconds flat
The whole brawl began from an innocent matter
When Aunt Flo thought Eugene said "She looks a whole lot fatter"
She knocked him through the window he fell with a crash
Tore down the gutters and busted his LEG REALLY BAD
You ought to have saw it
It looked like he'd been in a motorcycle wreck
No Kiddin
Yeah awful I couldn't turn to look at it
You see both sides of our family have never gotten along
And every holiday something always go wrong
You ain't supposed to fight but spread joy in this season
But when they get the nog they just look for a reason
In no time at all everybody joined in
And right there we squared off with our closest of kin
It's a time for givin said Uncle Bill
As he gave a black eye to his brother-in-law Phil
I heard somebody say "It's the thought that counts
And right now I'm thinking about knocking your butt out"
Presents and fists flew all over the room
And NaNa had some fancy moves with the broom
She took out three cousins and knocked down the tree
And I ducked just in time she swung out at me
It's my favorite time of year
Dad always has too much beer
Gets on the roof and hunts reindeer
Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily
Tie the antlers on the dog
Save some shine for Santa Claus
From all the in-laws and outlaws
Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily
I crawled to the phone Lord it seemed like a mile
And called 9-1-1 which we keep on speed dial
In a matter of minutes out the window appeared
Flashing blue lights and the Sherrif John Deere
Just then six men burst through the door
Some yelling "HEY IT'S US" Some "GET ON THE FLOOR"
A stray punch from Grandpa found the sherrif's chin
And just for good measure he clocked him again
It took all 6 cops to get Grandpa in cuffs
You know he gets feisty when he runs out of snuff
We all stopped our fighting and cheered Grandpa on
Heck I thought he could take them I guess I was wrong
As they dragged him outside he yelled "I'VE BEEN FRAMED"
He was kicking and screaming and calling them names
"You (bleep) You (bleep)
Let me go you (bleep)
You donut eatin stupid (bleep) son of a (bleep)"
We stood on the porch as did all our neighbras
Who always took interest in our family's behavior
"Mind your own business" we heard Grandma shout
And "We'll take back the presents and then come bail you out"
By now we'd forgotten what we were fighting for
We were battered and bruised but united once more
Then we all joined hands and sang "Violent Night"
Violent Night
And we heard Grandpa exclaim as they drove off out of sight:
"Merry Christmas to all...MAN that was a good fight!!!!"
Deck your neighbor deck the halls
Tis the season for a brawl
From all of us to all of y'all
Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily
Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily
Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily
Leroy the redneck reindeer -Joe Diffie
Well you've all heard the story
About Rudolph and his nose
Well I'll tell you a Christmas tell
That never has been told
Well you may think you've heard it all
But you ain't heard nothin' yet
About that crazy Christmas
That the North Pole can't forget
Rudolph was under the weather
And had to call in sick
So he got on the horn
To his cousin Leroy
Who lived out in the sticks
He said Santa's really counting on me
And I hate to pass the buck
Leroy said Hey I'm on my way
And he jumped in his pick-up truck
When Leroy got to the North Pole
All the reindeer stiggered and laughed
They never seen a deer in overalls
And a John Deer tracktor hat
Well Santa stepped in
And said just calm down
Cuz we all got a job to do
Like it or not Leroy's in charge
And he's gonna be leading you
And it was
Leroy The Redneck Reindeer
Hooked to the front of the sleigh
Delivering toys to all the good ol' boys
And girls along the way
He's just a down home party animal
Two Steppin all across the sky
He makes jingle bells with the rebel yell
And made history that night
Before that night was over
Leroy had changed there tune
He had them scootin a holf
On every single roof
By the light of a neon moon
Santa wrapped his bad with the dixie flag
He as having the time of his life
You could here him call
Merry Chistmas Yall
And all of yall a goodnight
And it was
Leroy The Redneck Reindeer
Hooked to the front of the sleigh
Delivering toys to all the good ol' boys
And girls along the way
He's just a down home party animal
Two Steppin all across the sky
He makes jingle bells with the rebel yell
And made history that night
He makes Jingle Bells with the rebel yell
And made history that night
Redneck 12 days of Christmas -Jeff Foxworthy
Wow, somebody done been to the WalMart!
(Jeff) Man, this is the stuff I got for Christmas.
Well you cleaned up! Whadya git?
Five flannel shirts
Four big mud tires
Three shotgun shells
Two hunting dogs
... And some parts to a Mustang GT.
Hey Bubba, you got gypped -- there's 12 days to Christmas.
(Jeff) I know that, I got it covered. Look over in the corner.
That's yours too?
Yea!
Chorus:
Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven Wrastling tickets
Ten o' Copenhagen
Nine years probation
Eight table dancers
Seven packs of Redman
Six cans of Spam
Five flannel shirts
Four big mud tires
Three shotgun shells
Two hunting dogs
... And some parts to a Mustang GT.
Man, this ain't normal Christmas presents!
No, they're redneck gifts!
Redneck gifts?
Yea, you know, like
if you buy your wife earrings that double as fishing lures.
Or, if you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells"
Perhaps if you think "The Nutcracker" is something you did off a high-dive.
Or, if you've ever misspelled something in Christmas lights.
Or, if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus.
What's wrong with that?
I didn't say anything wrong with it...
It's hard to beat...
Chorus:
Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven Wrastling tickets
Ten o' Copenhagen
Nine years probation
Eight table dancers
Seven packs of Redman
Six cans of Spam
Five flannel shirts
Four big mud tires
Three shotgun shells
Two hunting dogs
... And some parts to a Mustang GT.
Well, you can't really consider it a Christmas
'less you go down to the penitentiary and visit your mama.
You're not listenin' to me!
Get the car key outta your ear.
That's where the nine years probation comes in...
I'm gonna do it for ya again.
Now listen...
Chorus:
Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven Wrastling tickets
Ten o' Copenhagen
Nine years probation
Eight table dancers
Seven packs of Redman
Six cans of Spam
Five flannel shirts
Four big mud tires
Three shotgun shells
Two hunting dogs
... And some parts to a Mustang GT.
Merry Christmas Ya'lls. And to all ya'lls a good nite. :D
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